Wednesday, 19 June 2013

Filofax

My Filofax Domino Personal




What was missing???




It all started with me not feeling comfortable in my own skin. 
Hmm, let me see if I can explain and describe these feelings.

I was feeling as if my life was running away from me. As if time was slipping through my fingers and I hadn't managed to do anything important all day. 
I was kinda feeling the aggravation building up inside of me waiting to explode. I was angry at myself for having no dreams no real wants in life. 
Living from day to day not caring if the day had anything meaning full or worth while in it. 


The emotions that I was having was the feeling of missing something big in my life.  
The hopelessness of not knowing what this something big was, was devastating. Kind of destructing for my soul.

I was spending my day looking back and wondering, what did I use to do. 
What did I do differently back in the day when I lived alone with my two children. Alone in a big house. Just me and my two kids until Colin my dog came along.
Back in the good old days, as I tend to call them every time I look back at them. 
The good old days when I was well organised. The days when I had a set time for everything. A perfect routine, everything timed out smoothly. 



Me and my diary, my time planner, we fit together like no other person or thing. We were inseparable.
We had to be inseparable. 
I was a single working from home mum. I needed to know when my kids needed to be out of the house. When I needed to be in school or kindergarten to teach. What time each of my kids were coming home for dinner. 
What time my students were coming for their lessons and so on. 
Yes the good old days.

Why wasn't my life working now? 
Why was I having such a hard time getting through the day? Why was it so hard for me to get out of bed in the mornings to just start my day?
I had no goals. The goals I had written down had been fulfilled. I was and am living my dreams right now. 
But why oh why was I feeling this shitty?
I now have a husband. My Mr Right. 
I have the house. Bigger than I could have dreamed. I have someone watching my back. What more could I want?

I do still miss my kids and am still sad that they don't live with me any longer but that wasn't the route of my anger.

This anger came from some place else. 
You see I was ready to break something. Ready to scream and break down at any moment. 
I wasn't able to sit still. 
I wasn't able to make a decision on my own, I needed hubby to help me. I needed to ask him if I really needed this or that right now.
Crazy for someone like me to have the feeling that I need to ask permission before I go out and buy something. I needed him to say "Yes Susan that is what you need to feel better, this is what you are missing. This will put your life back together."


Holding onto time 


Another thing I tried out was to hold onto time by staying home. Only going out to work. 
Not wanting to go shopping or spend time with my friends. Not even walk the dogs. 
For every time I came back and looked at my watch there would be another hour gone. It wouldn't be long and my husband would say oh where has the time gone, it's now time for bed.
That's when I would feel lost and helpless and ask myself what had I done that day?
I would think that I hadn't done anything. That I had been
siting and watching YouTube all day. I thought I had done nothing else. 
It didn't matter that the house was clean that I had cooked dinner, baked bread been to work and worked at home teaching that afternoon. I had my eyes closed when it came to these unimportant things. 

Looking for that something big




My problems had all began because I had stopped writing things down. I had stopped writing in my diary. I thought I didn't need it any more now that I had someone to talk to in the evenings. 
I had stopped writing things down in my planner. 
No more goal writing in the front of my planner no more dreams. 
I thought I had everything.
The last few years I was in love with the Moleskine brand. I still am. I do love their paper. 
The thing is that my Molskine vertical pocket is getting too small. My life has changed and I need something new to accommodate my new life.

My next problem was I just didn't know what planner I wanted to get. What was my new planner meant to look like. What did I want to have in it?
I spent most of my day and nights watching YouTubers talking about their Filofax. 
I can remember back in the good old days wanting a Filofax but they were just way too expensive.
Now these YouTubers were talking about not just having one Filofax but two or three or more.
So I went back to Amazon and took a look at Filofax there. 
Oh bummer, what was I to do they had soooo many to choose from. So back to YouTube. 

Okay long story short I ended up buying Domino personal Ultra Violet for 23.10€  @ FiloFax.de.
It wasn't that expensive and I told myself that it wouldn't hurt if the Filofax turned out to be no good.
Silly me. How could a Filofax turn out to be no good???

I'm in love with it. Not with the inlets mind. I don't like them. They are no way the way I want or need them. But I do love the feel of my Domino. I love the elastic band that is has holding the book closed, you can add so many things like my molskine pocket and it doesn't fall out.
Would I love it more if it had been in Red? I don't think so, or do I? 
What I do believe is that my next one will be red and I think It should be an A5.      


How do I feel now 


Have the feelings of hopelessness gone? Kind of. 
Not altogether mind, but sort of.
What has gone is the anger. 
I hold time back in my own hands. It's my time. I am the holder of time. If I plan my time wisely, start writing down my to do list in my Domino. Then at the end of the day I can look back and say "Well done Susan". Now what are you doing tomorrow?

Do I still spend hours watching YouTube? 
Well, yes of course I do. Now I need to know what goes inside my Domino. 
What's the best way to use ones Domino.....?

Please leave a message and tell me how you use your Filofax